Log 52 -- 3 July 2026

What do I even title this

...I don't have it in me to try and craft some sense of wisdom out of what's been happening.

I'm just not doing well.

I think I'm becoming... worse, as a person? Like I'm not really pushing myself to be good, and as a result I'm losing quality in some areas.

Some of those areas are more obvious than others. I notice I've been more... sour, as of late. And over some of the silliest things, half of which are faults of mine.

I have resources to figure this out, to get help...

...but I'm scared. Scared that someone will agree to a more severe degree that I am nothing like the kid I ought to be. That I might lose things of great value and then not improve myself, as if the loss were for naught.

I don't like letting go of things. I despise making decisions. Not unless I can be certain.

...so what, commitment issues? Yeah, you could say that. A part of that shows up in-- actually a lot of my life come to think of it.

I'm so worried about the consequences of any given mistake that I willingly give up opportunities. I've seen what it's like to fail, but I haven't internalized the part where you get back up.

A lot of my drawings, my music, this site, and my relationships -- they're more halfway than anything. I haven't really changed in that aspect at all, have I?

...When you order a large fry, would you rather have one giant fry or a hundred little ones?

It's past time to make a large fry kinda change.

xc