Log 35 -- 6 March 2026

Log 35: Attempt at Abounding

This past week has been quite odd. It did not start that well. The exams I had earlier did not go well (though it could probably just be attributed to my own pessimism about them), but... I'm still here.

I notice I still get very emotional at this time. I don't make threats, but I think of them, and certainly I can get irritated easy. I have been withdrawing from certain resources, and it feels daunting to reach for others despite them being right there.

But I still have some resources. I have the friends and acquaintances I make, in my courses and extracurriculars and whatnot. I have what put me on the planet to begin with, and no, I don't mean my parents. I have crafts of my own design too, and surely more that I could put together.

The only thing is, it's still so easy to... not use any of these things. "I have work to get done," I could say, knowing well that I'll use the time to play a game I recently put back on my phone. "I'll call later," because we all know that's a promise no one breaks. And even with my own tools, the thought of making them and optimizing them might steer me away from the work that really matters.

I have also noticed an alternative... personality of sorts? beginning to show up. The kind of person that would say "I need you to shut up for a moment so I can think about what you're saying," because I need you to shut up for a moment so I can think about what you're saying. An attitude, but only employed when it's "absolutely necessary" -- id est, when there's a problem that, normally, would go completely unsolved if I were the kind of pacifying shoveover I usually am. A prioritization for efficiency over others' feelings, even if for a brief moment.

I don't know if I like this personality, but there is certainly some use to be found from it, especially if I can do something about the cattier parts of it. I have been able to keep it from becoming an extrapersonal problem for now, but I honestly wonder how bad of a problem it could be if I tried to "employ" it properly..?

xc